the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
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If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.