the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
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If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car