The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.