The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge