@CandyEmpires4

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

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@murrman5

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

@AngelaEhh

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

@RobDenBleyker

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

@mdob11

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

@RandiLawson

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

@XplodingUnicorn

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

@Jest_Iris

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation