The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

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*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”


I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.


I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014


I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.


My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi


My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.


the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation