The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
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My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Seems kinda suspicious
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭