The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
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Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling