The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
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Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.