The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
You Might Also Like
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested