the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
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How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)