The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
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Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Life is a suicide mission.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.