the icebreaker
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I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.