The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
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Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch