The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
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jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir