The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
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If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.