the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
You Might Also Like
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true