The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
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I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Did…did a minotaur write this
How is it still this week?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?