@murrman5

“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office

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@ShortSleeveSuit

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

@Megatronic13

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

@sweetmomissa

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

@simoncholland

Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

@WilliamAder

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

@funflaps

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

@ddsmidt

Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.

Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.

@Home_Halfway

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

@mrjohndarby

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

@Skoog

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny