“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
You Might Also Like
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.