The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
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“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
The booster protects against what, now?