The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
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[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb