The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
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Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Every house has this drawer
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?