The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
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I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Got ya covered
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.