The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

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I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel


My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”


Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen


My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target


[first day in hell]


Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?


The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.


Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.


i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”


[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor