The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
You Might Also Like
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough