@qwertygirl

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

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@Alisialynne

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

@_lizharvey

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

@PhuckinCody

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

@Token_Geezer

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

@IvoryGazelle

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

@SirEviscerate

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

@GingerHotDish

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

@feelmesucka

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.