@qwertygirl
@Alisialynne Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
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@Alisialynne 
@_lizharvey Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
@PhuckinCody Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
@gogglepossum [smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
@Token_Geezer I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
@IvoryGazelle 8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
@SirEviscerate *tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
@GingerHotDish Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
@feelmesucka Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
@XplodingUnicorn Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.