The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
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Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Pringles
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*