The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
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Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Found my door mat
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t