The internet is undefeated.. 馃槀
You Might Also Like
Imagine being a witch and you鈥檙e all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it鈥檚 too big for the dishwasher ugh
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn鈥檛 leave him any money last night and I鈥檓 upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
This why you should mind your business
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can鈥檛 scream and yell when I have an injured back!
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we鈥檙e able to read actual books again
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Art by Pastelkatto