The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
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I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
This hospital has everything
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT