The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
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I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating