The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
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Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
peeping toms
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?