The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
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Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Finally!
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Google Pay be like:
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.