the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
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I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.