[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
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H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
every college guy’s fridge
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”