The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
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Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now