THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
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can’t bark with your mouth full
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.