[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid