[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
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The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.