The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
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7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Favourite diary entry ever
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.