The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
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Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*