The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
You Might Also Like
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.