The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
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My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Not today, today.
Not today.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.