[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
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I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
My Plans 2020
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes