THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
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People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Well, shit
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP