The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
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Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Lmaoo 😂
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!