The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
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“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.