The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
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My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Canadian winters be like:
Today鈥檚 high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don鈥檛 know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t鈥檚 started hurting.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
This is painfully accurate 馃槄
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he鈥檚 my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Godspeed, John Glenn
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
neil armstrong: i鈥檒l take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?