The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
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I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Watermelon Boss!
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs