@scootergonscoot This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
@ahamedweinberg The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
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@scootergonscoot 
@welfarehoe Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
@slimmy_shady The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
@jakelikesnaps “WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
@Lin_Baker I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
@ThePoke UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
@kristendrum if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
@DaddyJew Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
@KevinBuffalo I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
@mashyboo be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character