@ahamedweinberg

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

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@scootergonscoot

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

@welfarehoe

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

@slimmy_shady

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

@jakelikesnaps

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

@Lin_Baker

I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in

@ThePoke

UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides

@kristendrum

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

@DaddyJew

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

@KevinBuffalo

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

@mashyboo

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character