The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
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“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.