The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.

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ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is


I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.


Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.


I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.


wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
me: oh


All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…


Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.


Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’


If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.


For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.