The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

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WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog


Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker


The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …


*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?


While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”


Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?


No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.


Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.


Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.


She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.