@VaguelyFunnyDan

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

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@imaustinryan

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

@Spaziotwat

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

@causticbob

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

@Proxic0n

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

@TheBoydP

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

@JasonLastname

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

@droidbears

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

@stephenjmolloy

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”