The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
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COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
OH. COME. ON.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?