The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
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I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
If only.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Time for evil
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]