The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
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If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.